" Rapture of Love"

The summer has been most eventful to say the least Danielle is in love and it is driving her crazier than ever. It's kind of weird seeing her in "in love" mode she's so intense, it's actually funny because out of our "click" she has always been the one who never got emotional or stressed out, but if u ask me she's as mushy as mashed potato. It's cute !! I on the other hand have found myself guarding my heart like it's " Fort Knocks " I feel like I have a no choice but too under the circumstances however I am not happy that I am in that mode. I usually have no fear in telling someone I love them even being extremely affectionate. But rejection from this man will put me in a "state". Who the hell came up with the bright idea of falling in love with one of their best friends? ( Answer : my dumb ass ). I am trying my hardest to convince myself that the way I feel is wrong but I don't feel it is. Matter fact the love I have for him makes me not want to continue my search for " Vladi ". I don't know what happened, I swore off of "brothers" for a while, the constant let down from black men just exhausted every part of me.
We had a conversation today where he expressed that if we were to be in a relationship he didn't think it would work ( I almost hit the floor) as far as I was concerned the friendship was no longer just a friendship when we started checking for each other all day everyday, we are very much involved with one another on a daily basis. I spend more time with him than anybody else via phone mainly because he has another relationship ( that sentence just sounds crazy) I don't necessarily want a title on what we have but I don't want to know that he " see's me as a friend with benefits " because for me its not just the sex. I feel like I get him, I understand what he wants, how he feels, I just want him to know and feel that where I'm involved he's always gonna be ok. ( Chuckling to myself ) when the hell did I become so caring about a man? I picked the right one though!! He's not even mine, and that's where the problem lies. He often tells me don't worry about him " do me", and I can't stand it every time he says that, I understand he's trying to be fair but damn, show some type of resistance don't just throw me into another man's arms. I'm starting to think that maybe that is the reason why we don't do " couple " things so to speak,for a minute I thought he didn't think I was pretty, because never in my life has a man not wanted to take me out, not tooting my horn but I spend more time running from men than to them, their so visual and I can't stand that. My insecurity with the whole going out issue that we have went into high gear on my birthday weekend, him not showing up had me speechless, I had no words for him or anybody that wanted to talk about it, till this day he doesn't know how much that hurt me, although we are lovers he's my friend I love his company and at that particular moment I felt like the "jump off" like I am only good for phone conversation and sex, ( it just hit me how bothered I am behind that).
I could have killed him, I felt my blood turn hot and knew that if I had any type of contact with him before I could cool down he would never speak to me again (he's yet to see Bonkeisha come out in me). It wasn't so much the fact that he didn't come it was the fact he " just didn't come " no call no show, as I'm typing I'm thinking maybe I am in this deeper than he is because I would have never felt it was o.k. to pull a stunt like that, ( o.k. i'm trippin).
Maybe he thinks that things of that nature will make us official, to be honest I don't know what the hell is on that man's mind. What I do know is he has confused the hell out of me, I think he loves me, but his front game is so much better than mine the only time I feel that we are on the same page as far as feelings is when we make love, I feel his heart with every stroke, every kiss, every look we are telling each other " I love you ". As I type I sigh , cause I done got caught up in a web that I don't want to get out of but I don't want to stay in it if I'm alone in my feelings, and he very much has me on edge. Maybe he's right, I should " do me " ( he's crazy!!) how do I do that when I'm in love with him, men are so silly sometimes, I know his situation and I know "our" situation and as much as I'm not ready to face my biggest fear of not dealing with him " like that " maybe he's indirectly telling me to move on.
Like Averil Levine said " why you have to go and make things so complicated". My mother always said follow your heart, but I don't know if that's wise in this case, because everything he has suggested for me to do I don't feel in my heart, I don't want to "do me", I don't want just be your " homie love a friend " it's mainly my fault because I try so hard to just be his " friend only " he treats me as such I guess. Yesterday I had a lot of alone time during a road trip I had to take, and it tickles me how 6 months ago I felt absolutley nothing for this man, I knew he was attracted to me but I chalked it up to every other man who tries to get my attention as him just wanting to sex me. But we hit it off right away in our first conversation 5 months later i'm " in love " and happy lmaooooooooooooooooo. This is some ridiculous shit, no matter what losing his friendship is not an option. I guess I'm finally growing up because this is the most unselfish situation I put myself in, it's like crossing a busy highway knowing there is a 50/50 chance your gonna get hit but you chance it anyway because you are eager to get to the other side for whatever reason, my reason is him, don't be alarmed the love I have will not have me chasing him if he's on a different page, I don't even know how to do that "stunt". But I know I will carry him in my heart for a long time if not forever, he is the first man I can say I loved without wanting anything else but love back. Those who knows my past with men know that I was spoiled (rotten) if it wasn't about me it wasn't about nothing. So I am in just as much shock with this 360 turn around as you my readers (sigh ). In the meantime, I plan on living, laughing, and loving, you win some you lose some, let's hope I win lmaoooooo.

The Saga Continues..........................................................................