Change Of Plans

So........ The original plan of this blog was to keep you informed of my journey to find my beloved " Vladi ", however things have changed drastically everything from me falling in love with someone else's man, to falling out with Danielle over a bad business deal which resulted in us not speaking for months, and the ultimate was Babydaddy # 2 calling child protective services on me because he believes that I should not raise my voice to our daughter, so he concocted this story to the state that I am abusive and low and behold the state shows up at my door questioning my parenting!!! ( That's the reason why I can't mess with these Negro's always some damn drama). Then the daunting task of finding a job is becoming more and more discouraging but my God has been more than good to me, I mean really good I have not lacked in anything so that pretty much keeps my faith alive.
It's funny the roads and paths that life takes you through because the vision that I had as far as finding a partner has so.......... changed. I know when I first revealed that I had fallen for the forbidden fruit ( another woman's man ) it caused a stir with you guy's !!!! ( I know I know ) Well I hate to break it to you we still deal with each other, in my opinion not the way we used to,initially I became his woman and she became his side chick, in the sense of I had him mentally, physically, and emotionally. That lasted longer than I thought it would ( guess he was impressed by me) lmaoo, but then came my turn and he offically gave me the spot that was initially mine
" Side Chick " and boy when I tell you I was like a fish out of water for two reasons first being I've always been " the wife " in every relationship, and second who the phuck was flipping the script I thought everything was love ( SMDH I AM CRAZY).
I know that this is a touchy subject, especially for you guys that are the wife, but the culture that I come from ( west indian ) this was all to common even in the household that I grew up in. The man had his immediate family that he loved and adored and took care of, and he usually had another family else where that he was doing the same thing for, but that other family generally was never discussed and although this is the first time that I have been the other woman, my expectations from him were not met when he decided that he was going " home ". At this point I am still connected to him because of the friendship we developed and the love that we have for each other, I never wanted him to leave his family, I was however content with him being my "man" as long as he met my standards,basically not treating me like the other woman ( the nerve of me ).
Aghhh......... moving along so I sold my car to Danielle and when I tell you it was the worst move ever, I promise business and friends don't match at all. My intent was to help Danielle out with a car because she had The kids and was taking cabs and getting rides everywhere, my car at the time was in pretty good condition, and to be honest I got a good deal on the car that I purchased in which I looked at as being a blessing to me, so I was trying to bless someone else and well let's just say that when money is involved things can get a little crazy to say the least and it ended up to where we didn't speak for months, it was really hard on the kids because they were as close as we were. Danielle turned out to be the bigger one because she came to me after about four months of us not talking to hash things out and although things are not quite the same, at least the air is clear and I learned a valuable lesson NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH FRIENDS.
Baby Daddy, Baby Daddy, Baby Daddy, he is actually the founder of me not wanting to deal with Negros my God I have never met such a bitter man, I get no child support, I call him for absolutley nothing in regards to our child yet and still he finds a way every time to cause grief in my life, but this last stunt he pulled took the cake. Long story to the short he over heard me yelling at our daughter, after she put on a performance in the car repair shop. To him I should have spoken softly and not raised my voice, to me she was lucky that I didn't knoCK her head off, I could understand if I was cursing and carrying on but I was simply chastizing her. I don't curse at my kids because as a child whilst living with my real mother she cursed like she belonged on a sail boat in the middle of the ocean, and to be honest I hated it every time she went there so naturally I don't curse at my children. My stare and tight lipped get in ya face demeanor is enough for my bambinos to not play with me. Anyway we got into a big argument and with that he threatened to call child welfare in which I told him to do what he felt he had to, the damn fool reported me the very next day. When I got the call at first I thought it was a joke, but when she actually came to my home I at that point wrote him off, I felt so violated by the questions that she asked me and my daughter, she even took pictures because he claimed that I hit her and she had bruises. I thought how could he do that to me?, I am the sole care giver for his child, before her was my son and he never witness me hit him so why all of a sudden would I start hitting his daughter?, furthermore if I did hit her it is and would be for good reason. To me this guy was certified 7:30 and belonged in the G building of Kings County Hospital ( That's the phsych ward in a hospital in Brooklyn). The case worker closed the case after she visited my home and started a child support case for me, (that's why it doesn't pay to be malicious Karma always finds her way back good or bad).
Given all of those events and some, my Vladi took a back seat, I still stand by me wanting to experience the other side but I may have to go about things another way, you see I have always been spiritual, love God, firm beleiver in him but I have reached the "cross roads" as they would say. I have been called to start living my life in a different way, there is no other way of saying it other than God speaking to my heart, I have come a long way while not living right. When you have a calling it is an honor because whilst we are all blessings and children of God a few are selected to carry out his work. I don't know if that's me and to be honest I would much rather keep on living how I was living because the expectation isn't so high but you cannot ignore God's voice and that is where I am. I'm talking about I feel weird when I curse, I stopped drinking, i'm attending church regulary because I am so hungry for the word, I am in constant prayer, I struggle everyday to be a better person in the eyes of the lord, you know it's real if I can all Baby Daddy #2 and apologize for any wrong doing I may have done to him, and not because I felt that I did anything wrong but because it was put in my spirit to do so, maybe I did something along the way that offended him or maybe I hurt him so bad by leaving our relationship it caused him to want to bestow hurt unto me. To be honest it's crazy but I am starting to believe that God has a bigger plan for me and that finding a man is not priority he needs me to get right in all areas of my life " ALL AREAS".
So...... on that note stay tuned for more drama, I am however better today than I was yesterday and just trying to keep it real with ya'll this life we live is bigger than what we see stop walking with your "eyes wide shut" you may miss your mark!!!!

" Rapture of Love"

The summer has been most eventful to say the least Danielle is in love and it is driving her crazier than ever. It's kind of weird seeing her in "in love" mode she's so intense, it's actually funny because out of our "click" she has always been the one who never got emotional or stressed out, but if u ask me she's as mushy as mashed potato. It's cute !! I on the other hand have found myself guarding my heart like it's " Fort Knocks " I feel like I have a no choice but too under the circumstances however I am not happy that I am in that mode. I usually have no fear in telling someone I love them even being extremely affectionate. But rejection from this man will put me in a "state". Who the hell came up with the bright idea of falling in love with one of their best friends? ( Answer : my dumb ass ). I am trying my hardest to convince myself that the way I feel is wrong but I don't feel it is. Matter fact the love I have for him makes me not want to continue my search for " Vladi ". I don't know what happened, I swore off of "brothers" for a while, the constant let down from black men just exhausted every part of me.
We had a conversation today where he expressed that if we were to be in a relationship he didn't think it would work ( I almost hit the floor) as far as I was concerned the friendship was no longer just a friendship when we started checking for each other all day everyday, we are very much involved with one another on a daily basis. I spend more time with him than anybody else via phone mainly because he has another relationship ( that sentence just sounds crazy) I don't necessarily want a title on what we have but I don't want to know that he " see's me as a friend with benefits " because for me its not just the sex. I feel like I get him, I understand what he wants, how he feels, I just want him to know and feel that where I'm involved he's always gonna be ok. ( Chuckling to myself ) when the hell did I become so caring about a man? I picked the right one though!! He's not even mine, and that's where the problem lies. He often tells me don't worry about him " do me", and I can't stand it every time he says that, I understand he's trying to be fair but damn, show some type of resistance don't just throw me into another man's arms. I'm starting to think that maybe that is the reason why we don't do " couple " things so to speak,for a minute I thought he didn't think I was pretty, because never in my life has a man not wanted to take me out, not tooting my horn but I spend more time running from men than to them, their so visual and I can't stand that. My insecurity with the whole going out issue that we have went into high gear on my birthday weekend, him not showing up had me speechless, I had no words for him or anybody that wanted to talk about it, till this day he doesn't know how much that hurt me, although we are lovers he's my friend I love his company and at that particular moment I felt like the "jump off" like I am only good for phone conversation and sex, ( it just hit me how bothered I am behind that).
I could have killed him, I felt my blood turn hot and knew that if I had any type of contact with him before I could cool down he would never speak to me again (he's yet to see Bonkeisha come out in me). It wasn't so much the fact that he didn't come it was the fact he " just didn't come " no call no show, as I'm typing I'm thinking maybe I am in this deeper than he is because I would have never felt it was o.k. to pull a stunt like that, ( o.k. i'm trippin).
Maybe he thinks that things of that nature will make us official, to be honest I don't know what the hell is on that man's mind. What I do know is he has confused the hell out of me, I think he loves me, but his front game is so much better than mine the only time I feel that we are on the same page as far as feelings is when we make love, I feel his heart with every stroke, every kiss, every look we are telling each other " I love you ". As I type I sigh , cause I done got caught up in a web that I don't want to get out of but I don't want to stay in it if I'm alone in my feelings, and he very much has me on edge. Maybe he's right, I should " do me " ( he's crazy!!) how do I do that when I'm in love with him, men are so silly sometimes, I know his situation and I know "our" situation and as much as I'm not ready to face my biggest fear of not dealing with him " like that " maybe he's indirectly telling me to move on.
Like Averil Levine said " why you have to go and make things so complicated". My mother always said follow your heart, but I don't know if that's wise in this case, because everything he has suggested for me to do I don't feel in my heart, I don't want to "do me", I don't want just be your " homie love a friend " it's mainly my fault because I try so hard to just be his " friend only " he treats me as such I guess. Yesterday I had a lot of alone time during a road trip I had to take, and it tickles me how 6 months ago I felt absolutley nothing for this man, I knew he was attracted to me but I chalked it up to every other man who tries to get my attention as him just wanting to sex me. But we hit it off right away in our first conversation 5 months later i'm " in love " and happy lmaooooooooooooooooo. This is some ridiculous shit, no matter what losing his friendship is not an option. I guess I'm finally growing up because this is the most unselfish situation I put myself in, it's like crossing a busy highway knowing there is a 50/50 chance your gonna get hit but you chance it anyway because you are eager to get to the other side for whatever reason, my reason is him, don't be alarmed the love I have will not have me chasing him if he's on a different page, I don't even know how to do that "stunt". But I know I will carry him in my heart for a long time if not forever, he is the first man I can say I loved without wanting anything else but love back. Those who knows my past with men know that I was spoiled (rotten) if it wasn't about me it wasn't about nothing. So I am in just as much shock with this 360 turn around as you my readers (sigh ). In the meantime, I plan on living, laughing, and loving, you win some you lose some, let's hope I win lmaoooooo.

The Saga Continues..........................................................................

" Get The Hell Out The Kitchen"

I apologize to my loyal readers it's been a while since I updated the blog, but you will appreciate what I have to say. This game of life seems to get more complicated every time I think I have it figured out, I am starting to look at things on more of a give and take type of deal. Over the past two weeks I have suffered some real devastating blows that had me in " limbo " literally. One of the main reasons I started this journey to date " other " men is because as a 31 year old black woman with two children by different men I had to and still do by my youngest child's father go through the " BabyDaddy " drama. Hate is a strong word but my goodness I loathe it with passion. About two weeks ago " Baby Daddy number 2 " and I had a really big argument, in the six years that I have known him, words were exchanged that day, that made me feel lower than dirt, I was in a different place mentally after that experience I walked away feeling that by any means necessary I will never let a man/woman make me feel that way ever again. The anger that I felt could have put me behind bars for a long time, so I was forced to put my children first and walk away. I didn't talk for three days after that I was broken, then it all came together for me on the third day. " Why the hell should I care what my baby daddy thought about me ?" . When the relationship finally ended it was because of me, I had enough and that was all there was to it, everybody has their limit and when I reached my limit there was no talking me out of it. His hurtful words were words of a " Man Scorned ". We must give men the credit that they are owed good and bad, believe me when I say a " Man Scorned " is worse than a " Woman's Scorned " men are far less emotional than us on a regular day, however when they finally decide to tap into the emotional side of, if it doesn't work out the way they ( men ) expected, then the shame from their pride and ego getting hurt kicks in and all hell is bound to break loose, far worse than R. Kelly's wife's character in his song " When a woman's Fed Up" in that song his wife finds out he's cheating and pours hot grits on his azz while he's sleeping, it's funny in a sick kind of way, LOL .
My pity party didn't last long, that part of my life with my daughter's father is over and I am much happier now that it is over. I also had the help of my new " Man Friend " in getting over that incident LMAO. I met this guy a couple of months ago and when we first met I didn't give him the time of day, that's my usual M.O. But I have to admit that he was persistent in being friendly although I blew him off a few times. My non interest stemmed from the fact that I saw him with a woman sometimes and to me it appeared that they were more than friends.
One morning I saw him and he struck up a conversation with me, I guess the expression " Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover " is true because at first glance this brother looks like a pretty thug, he got swag, his gear does not speak corporate America, basically the complete opposite of my Russian, Italian and Jewish prospects so initially he had not a shot with me, but after our little talk I forgot about " Vladi" LMAO.
Since our first encounter he and I text and called one another everyday for the past two weeks, we even hung out at Danielle's house and shared a bottle of wine and a lot of "shyt talking". My only concern is that the woman that I saw him with is his girlfriend, I have never been the " type " to involve myself with anybody who is already involved but I see how easy it can happen. The good thing with my new " Man Friend" is that although he has expressed how much he would to " blow my back out " ( That's how the " thugs " talk, no home training !)he really enjoys our talks.
We could spend an easy three hours on the phone and have intelligent conversation with one another and in a way I feel good that I am able to give him something as innocent as conversation which seems to be the only thing that he complains that he doesn't get at home. That beats giving up the " goods " and then dealing with the emotional back lash, and that brings me to why I think I need to get " Out Of The Kitchen ".
" Man Friend " and I are highly sexually attracted to one another, and as bad as that may sound given the situation the worst part of this all is that we like each other, not just regular like either. One time we had a conversation and in it we both said we wished circumstances were different, meaning we could definetly see ourselves dating each other, at that point my mind took me back to Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime ", I have never been a home wrecker and have no intentions on starting now, but, yes there is a but I almost want to see how far this thing between him and I can go.
I can see you guy's expression now as your reading this, I want you to take into consideration that at this point our sexual interest are only a fantasy, he has already shared with me that he is scared to even get that close to me because he can see himself feeling me more than he should. On the other hand I am single, right now just having fun with this whole dating thing and don't see the harm in carrying on a friendship with my new " Man Friend ".
Who the hell do I think i'm fooling? LOL this story is not new, i'm just a new character and this is how affairs get started, all the ingredients are there. I know what I should do, because in my heart I know that I require way to much to be the side piece. With me it's either all or nothing, but I now see how easy it is to fall victim, the worst kind of attraction to have in my opinion is to be sexually attracted to someone who has someone else because if that attraction is acted upon the chances are it will not end to good.
So with all that in mind, there shouldn't be a question of what I should do. But for some reason there is and I am really contemplating just trying this kind of "different", but my inner being is saying " Run Forest Run " get the hell out the kitchen your azz about to get burned!!!! LMAO
I'm just going to have to try my best to not let "Lust" have it's way, DAMN!!!

41 Is too old to decide on a career!!!!

This morning was rough, my three year old didn't want to go to daycare she said that she wanted to go shopping to buy a new dress!!!I wonder where she got that from?, so I had to bribe her to get dressed and promised that after school we will go shopping, I think I am setting myself up for the drama when she turns thirteen.
While driving the baby to daycare I got a call from my best friend Danielle, she was having a mini crisis, her DJ fling has fallen head over heels in love and she is stressing over it. DJ falling in love was not supposed to happen, they have only been dating for four months and in the beginning DJ was not at all interested in settling down but Danielle felt that if he was spending everyday at her house, cooking, cleaning, picking her up from work, giving her money, then how could he say he wasn't ready to settle down? So she called him and told him that she thought they should take a break and slow things down, that agreement between the two lasted a day, LOL!! He picked her up from work two days later and they went right back into the swing of things. They got along great he was doing all of the right things, that was until they had the conversation of what he saw himself doing in the future after all he was 41 years old and a DJ four days a week and cleaned two buildings the other three days. Not to knock his hustle but does any of these jobs have a 401k? How much stability is either one of these jobs, he has three kids and she has two, five kids all together how will everyone be supported? Danielle started to feel like maybe this relationship long term would not be such a good idea. Then came mother's day, he took her shopping and gave her money, he even got her AC in her house fixed. At the end of the night he asked her for thirty dollars because he paid for the AC to be repaired, poor DJ didn't even realized he signed his own walking papers when he asked for that money. The day after that he went away to see some family and his phone was cut off for non - payment and yes things do happen but,
this was the third time in two months, your 41 years old, there are many unlimited plans to choose from. Then came the tsunami dj called Danielle from someone else's phone and asked her to call the guy that pays him to clean the buildings and ask him if he could advance his check. WHAT?????? DJ your killing me!!! HOW OLD ARE YOU???
Danielle couldn't wait for him to come back from his trip, she was calling it off for good this guy was crazy, it wasn't about the money it was about the stability and future goals and he didn't seem to have any.
DJ returned and took the break up hard, he had to email her for about a week because his phone was still cut off ( A MESS !!!) He has been trying to reform himself and got a job interview, calling Danielle to tell her hoping that she would give him another chance. But she has lost interest, the fact that she was asked to call his boss for an advance on his check so he could pay his phone bill showed her what she may have to deal with in the future.
It's funny how in the beginning she wanted him to settle down with her because he is an all around good guy however, being content with minimal was not good enough for Danielle and rightfully so. Be careful what you ask for you may just get it!!!! :)

Because I'm independant doesn't mean you can depend on me!!!!

I never really looked at myself as a cougar, but I started an affair with a 24 year old about a year ago while going through a really bad break up of 5 years. My affair was not planned but the young hunk had me feeling sexy and he treated me with so much respect. Their was never any pressure for sex and when we finally did it he took my breath away, I was in love or so I thought. I would always tell my lover he was perfect I knew men his age who didn't have their life together. It was all good until I found out the first lie, then the second, then the third, and it went on and on, but the sex was so good and he made my toes curl that it was hard to walk away.
After trying to break it off with him, it was clear that he developed feelings and although I had feelings for him too, it could have gone either way. Then after 2 months he said I LOVE YOU. that was all he had to say, because I was so dickamotyzed I forgave the lies, but the truth is the truth no matter how you put it, and he went from wining and dining and paying my bills, to now needing me to help him out and I wasn't comfortable with that mainly because I feel I have greater responsibilities than he did.
Needless to say I didn't step up to the plate to return the favor when he needed help simply because he could have totally avoided the mess he got himself into.Our affair ended after a brief four months he left town and back to his home town to live with his mom until he got himself on his feet. We corresponded on the phone and then he decided to come see me for the first time this past weekend six months. I was excited, more so because I thought we would
pleasure each other one more time, but mother nature had different plans for me the day he came, low and behold the minute he touched down my period decided to come 3 days early.
Ugghhhhh!!!! The weekend started out great, that was until he broke my Goddess Statue that I had in the corner originally so neither one of my Bambino's would knock it over and break it, then he sat and played with his blackberry damn near the whole weekend, to top that off he asked to borrow my car to visit family, the car had an empty tank so I was expecting for him to fill it up, that was what he used to do when he came back with the car after two and a half hours it was still on E , lmaoooooooooooo.
As if it couldn't get any worse he asked to use my computer so I told him yes, about five minutes later he says he needed to buy a ticket to go home and he didn't have enough money in his account to charge it, but he will go to the ATM take out what he had and put it with the rest
of the cash he had on him and he will give me the money if I charged it on my card for him , so I said o.k. cool!!!
His flight left at 5 a.m. and guess who he asked to take him to the airport? Me!! I said I couldn't
do it and he was quite upset, he said he wanted me to see him off, I then suggested a cab, I even said I will pay half. he said NO, I then had to sneak a couple of text messages to my best
friends about this whole situation it was getting a bit much and i'm known for having a lethal tongue. They both agreed that he was asking for a lot and I wasn't over reacting, my toyboy and I were quiet for the rest of the night he woke me up about 3:29 a.m. and said that the cab was outside waiting I got out of bed and walked him to the door we kissed and said our goodbyes. Well before I went to bed, I went and poured myself a glass of water and looked at the money that he originally put on the counter for me after I charged his ticket and I realized this little NICCA left me twenty dollars, I gagged on my water is he serious?
So I decided to go in on his ass the following morning, by the time I was done he offered to put the money back in my account. My question is when did it become okay to depend on me? I was never one to be moved by the words I LOVE YOU, show me how much you love me don't tell me!!!